I spoke to L the other night and she said something that made me pause.

"I'm always the fling, never the girlfriend."

Her comment was a general comment, not directed at me, but it reminded me about things from both my long and recent pasts that were directed at me.

About eight years ago, I briefly dated this beautiful and wealthy trust fund baby. One day she said, "Guys always treat me like the side dish. I want to be the main course. You're not going to do that to me, are you?"

For reasons that still escape me now, I told her I didn't know. After some crying and choice words from her, I found myself taking a 2AM walk home. Not the first, not the last.

I also saw BJE again recently. She and I both want something, I suppose, and we get along so well but...


For the last four women that loved me before BJE, my but was my insomnia - and the subsequent irritability, moodiness, arguing and general insanity.

For both BJE and me it's the choices we've made in life but BJE's also concerned by the choices I might make in life.

Returning to L and her comment, L asked, "What does that say about me?"

Once again, I didn't know and once again, I thought about it on a 2AM walk home.

What does that say about me?

1:15:38 AM