Location: @2AM, missing someone I barely know Mood: Contemplative Music: you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
10:34:39 AM
(c) AP Photos
2 Samuel 12:22 tells of when: David had a kid with his buddy's wife, killed said buddy, pissed off God, God took David's son.
Now here's why I like the story: David's a wreck while the kid is sick; David won't eat, won't sleep, etc. But when the kid finally dies, he picks himself up and begins to live his life again.
When asked why he was such a wreck when the kid was alive but much better when the kid dies, David goes, "When the kid was alive, there was hope that he would live - that God would be gracious to me. But He was not and I can't change what's passed. My son can't come back to me but I can go to him."
At times, Life brings you to your knees.
Those phone calls you never want to get:
"It's about your younger brother..."
"I'm sorry to have to tell you..."
"I thought it best that I be the one to tell you..."
I've been brought to my knees twice in my life. I'm lucky because it was only twice.
I'm dreading the next time.
I thought about this because I went to a wake yesterday. It was my second third funeral experience; sadly, I'm sure they'll be more.
Today is also the 65th and last official anniversary gathering of the Pearl Harbor veterans. And I've also been keeping up with the story of CNET editor James Kim; he wasn't there when I was there but still...
Despite all the ugliness, we move through life with a balance of hope and acceptance.
Location: @2PM, Staten Island, filling up a tire Mood: Contemplative Music: dead-end streets every time I thought I'd got it made
5:29:36 PM
I had a phenomenal day on Sunday but here's the problem with being all by your lonely - I had no one to tell. It kinda takes away from the greatness of that day (in a nutshell, we started shooting our sitcom that day and it exceed all of our expectations).
Last night, I did have some drinks with a new friend (just friends, it's complicated) and she mentioned that she went through a bout of depression. I dug a bit more and she confided that it was not a simple case of the blues.
She's beyond smart, beyond attractive, beyond wealthy and beyond together but she said that she felt ugly and unaccomplished and I can't tell you how ridiculous that is.
So ridiculous, in fact, that it made me feel better about my own situation(s).
I had some recent meanness that came my way from some surprising sources, but also some recent kindness that came from equally surprising sources (such as the above and three offers to stay over from my retorical last post - clearly they have not been reading my blog closely).
It's the little throwaway lines that you never think affects people that totally do - for good or bad.
My grade school teachers got it totally wrong: Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will break my heart into a million sad little pieces and keep me up all night knitting the damn thing back together.
Location: @8PM, laughing at dinner; @4AM, not so much Mood: Disappointed Music: on the telephone line I am anyone, I am anything, I want to be
3:48:01 AM
Taipei Subway Station - I wish I were there now.
Another sleepless night for me.
I've got to get the hell out of here. It's been heavy on my mind again. I've not slept well in a few days now.
My week went from bad, to worse, to...this. Too much to get into but in a nutshell: saw my ex, fell out of love, fell in love, fell out of love. Crazy, I know.
I actually had the start of a good night. But now at 3:something in the morning, I'm checking my miles (78,000) and seeing what the weather's like in Australia and New Zealand.
It'd be nice to open the door and not run into anyone that knows me for tens of thousands of miles.
My brother said that all of life's problems can be divided up into health, wealth and relationships. It seems as if I can only get one out of those three going at any time.
I've been thoughtless with other people's hearts and people have been thoughtless with mine. I suppose it'll all just work out in the end.
I posted something today in picturing food that I thought could go here as well but I didn't want to double-post.
My brother sent me a video he worked on after his divorce was finalized. It made me very sad to see it but I thought he did such a good job editing it, I put it up. He's doing well now, if you're concerned at all - I couldn't watch it when he first put it up because it was so sad but I like it now.
Location: South of nowhere and east of limbo. Mood: Tired Music: I'm a scuffle and struggle till I'm breathless and weak
8:53:08 PM
I'm here right now - about 350+ miles from home. This place is so remote that there's no airport nearby so I had to drive. You do a lot of thinking driving 350+ miles.
The last few times I drove so far, I thought about No. 6 constantly. I thought of her again, of course, but I also thought about other things.
A few years ago, a friend asked me to set him up with a fiancee visa for him and his girlfriend from China. I started the paperwork.
A month or so later, I got a slim letter from him with a check; the letter read:
"We're not getting married; here's $600 for your time. Thanks!"
I didn't know what to say. I had already starting being an impoverished writer so I cashed the check (I'm not a good person), gave him a quick call, confirmed he was ok and moved on. That was four years ago.
We spoke a little while ago. He told me that he spent two, three years casually dating but, in his heart, he thought that she might come back. They spoke occasionally. He got a call from her and she said that she was coming to visit America and would like to see him for dinner.
He was excited, of course, but when they sat down, she said that she came because she heard a bit of hope in his voice the last time they spoke. It bothered her that whole time so she flew 24+ hours to give him closure.
He said it was the nicest thing anyone ever did for him. He knew where he stood - that made him free.
I think he's doing well now.
Anywho, I think about No. 6 a lot less and I think I'm almost at the point that I want to do something like that for her. The last time we spoke, I heard in her voice something like hope and I'm not looking for that right now. She's not the girl I loved and I'm def. not that guy anymore. Oh, but what do I know?
I've become bland and malicious.
I've been doing a lot of things I'm not...oh you know...
So that's where I am right now, just south of nowhere and east of limbo.
Location: @9AM - on the couch, eating leftovers Mood: Full Music: It's 2 am, I'm drunk again, Its heavy on my mind
12:43:07 PM
Stuffed from too much turkey to really write anything about me (nothing much happened beyond my gorging myself silly anyway).
I did want to say that I met up with a friend of mine for dinner the other day and, while I was waiting for her to arrive in the bookstore, I overheard a boy say to his girlfriend, "I'll never let you go."
That prompted me to dust off a pencil and write this because I'm a bitter, bitter, little man:
Grace is Gone
"I'll never let you go," the mother said, and baby Grace cooed and stretched out her arms. "I'll never let you go," the young man said, as Grace smiled and kissed him. "I'll never let you go," the husband growled, as Grace inhaled and shot him in the head. I'll never let you go," the judge said, as Grace screamed and collapsed. "I'll never let you go," the young woman said, and Grace smiled and breathed her last. "I'll never let you go," the mother said, and baby Grace cooed and stretched out her arms.
Location: knee-deep in computer parts Mood: Amused Music: I just couldn't take the hurt again, What a feeling
10:48:14 PM
Heart in hand, I made my way to the west side uptown line. I haven't taken a cab by myself in a while and I feel it's somewhat wasteful. Plus the walking always clears my mind.
I was in the subway and this very small woman had a bag covering her hand so that she didn't have to hold onto the railing.
Not that I blame her, I would do the same thing; there's 4.7 million subway riders a day. That's more people than most cities have. You've gotta figure someone has something nasty.
But the thing was that this woman had a tiny, tiny sandwich bag around her tiny, tiny hand. I looked at her, then at this pretty blond sitting across from she and we both laughed. The blond took out a pen and a pad and wrote out something. We then reached my stop and the blond exited also.
I had to ask.
"Did you write about that woman?" "Yes," she said, "not that I blame her, I would do the same thing. I have a blog about the subway..." "Funny you say that," I said, "It just so happens...de-de-de-de-de..."
We exchanged blog information, which I think is so comically modern (note that this is all at two or three in the morning). If you're at all interested, her blog is here.
Oh, and I feel the need to cite the 4.7 million rider stat so that's here (yes it's a story about J. Lo but if you look, it's there).
Yes, I am a complete dweeb. But, I would like to point out that you are reading the blog of a complete dweeb.
Location: @1:30AM - 14th Street and 3rd Avenue, just past R&KW Mood: Awake Music: My heart was broke, my head was sore, what a feeling
3:44:48 AM
My insomnia is maddening but this means I can tell you a quick story (one of two for this night):
I was walking home late tonight and pulled my jacket around me because I was cold. A young woman smiled as she brushed past me and I smiled back. She tripped and fell down, embarrassed, and her heart fell out from her jacket.
I saw it fall so I leaned over and picked it up and called out to her but the wind drowned me out. She had already crossed the street. After the light changed, I ran after her but she disappeared.
So I stood there in middle of 14th Street and 3rd Avenue holding onto something that didn't belong to me. I decided to put it in my pocket in case I ran into someone missing a heart in the big city.
As always, I took the long walk home. For some reason, I wasn't as cold.
Location: @ 2:something - on a couch in a Cafe @Allen&Delancy Mood: Content Music: it's alright, you ain't keepin me up all night, no more
4:29:48 PM
It's been a pretty interesting set of days.
On Tuesday, I met up with an old business partner at The Iroquois Hotel at 49 West 44th Street. It was for Cruzan Rum roll-out of their new Seven Year Rum and their purchase by Absolut Vodka. It was a pretty killer private dinner (there's a picture in my vanity section) - it started with a beet salad with gorgonzola, then an entree of filet mignon, and then a dessert of poached pears. So good. It was nice being in a business environment again - it was also nice eating food I didn't have to unwrap first.
I also met up with my headshrinker friend. He owns this huge seven-story apartment in mid-town and it looks like a classical Japanese building from the inside - so cool. You could walk by it a million times and not know what it looks like inside. It's the nicest building in Times Square, IMHO. We used to live there after college; it was a long time ago. We were poor but we had a great time.
I had dinner with a good female friend last night and things happened that should or should not have happened. I'm still trying to figure that part out. I think she is too.
Two other weird women related things happened today too:
I met this girl at the bookstore and we were just chatting innocently enough when her boyfriend appeared and was obviously very steamed. I wanted to say, "We were just talking," but he left before I could say anything. She just rolled her eyes and said, "That's my crazy boyfriend." I think I said something like, "I could tell" but I don't remember.
Right afterwards, I was walking down 20th where there's a shooting range. I was meeting a friend that shoots there and there was this small Asian girl there, which I thought was strange. I started talking to her and we exchanged contact information. I thought she was just someone visiting someone else until she whipped out this huge (I mean, gi-NORMOUS) .357 revolver and proceeded to absolutely kill a paper target (which I assumed had insulted her previously in some manner as she was merciless in shooting the bejeebers out of it).
Yesterday I walked from 192nd Street and Broadway to 128th Street and Amsterdam. Today I walked from Delancy and Allen Streets to 20 West 20th Street.
I'm moving plenty but I don't think I'm getting anywhere. 7:44:04 PM
Location: @1AM, dreaming of highways Mood: Rejuvenated Music: Rise and shine, good morning howdy
8:44:09 AM
I slept for nine glorious hours last night. Nine hours! For an insomniac, that's like winning $100 with one of those scratch and win cards. Maybe even $150.
I feel clear-headed again for the first time in almost two weeks.
I'm always hoping it lasts longer than a week but I'll take what I can get.
My hands stopped shaking too.
Today, I'm going to make passes at random women and buy things I can't afford - I'm expecting it to be a good day.
Location: @11:00, in Billyburg, talking to a 23 YO communist woman Mood: Tired Music: tonight, tonight, I'm on my way, I'm on my way home
12:47:16 AM
I wrote this long entry but then I deleted it.
I will say that my insommnia is resulting in a lot more late night eating than usual. Better hit the gym soon.
Someone from my past dropped me a meaningless email today. But it stopped me cold. It's so weird how someone can encompass your life and then, much later, just shoot you a random email about randomness. It made me feel very much adrift.
Speaking of which, I had dinner with a very old friend of mine yesterday who happens to be a head-shrinker. I told him that I just wanted to hop the next plane to anywhere and he laughed and said that, generally, people that have a desire to travel are looking for a place to call home.
Location: @12:10AM, almost hitting 90 on the West Side Highway. Mood: Weird Music: I've got to go, I've got to go, I've got to go...
12:39:22 PM
I think I'm going a little mad.
My hands won't stop shaking and I've become obsessed with idea of just hopping on a plane somewhere far away. I don't know where or what I'd do about the mortgage, the businesses, the job, everything.
I was once very happy on this little beach in just south of Denmark. I was also once happy in the Forbidden City. I was also once happy in my little apartment off 5th Avenue. I was also once happy here.
Location: @4:00 - pulling levers Mood: Working Music: This is a message, pay attention
4:28:20 PM
I went to vote today.
The joint was totally empty and a bunch of tired old people stood, smiled and shuffled me around when I arrived. It's always cool to vote. It's easy for me because my polling station is just across the street from my pad. I went in my pajama top and a pair of jeans and sneakers.
Whom I voted for is less important than the fact I did, I think.
In my personal life, the ex and I spoke again last night for quite a while. I'm not sure what I should do about that whole thing. I'm not even sure what it all means.
When it comes down to it, I miss being in love.
Man, I'm such a sap. And here I am voting in the most powerful country in the world.
They should have a screening process to keep out the saps.
Location: @9:00, doing a split in Fort Lee, NJ Mood: Curious Music: love but we're not the same
12:34:53 AM
It's Sunday according to the clock but the day was Saturday.
It's been a weird couple of days but the weirdest thing is my ex called me at 8:27 this morning - the fact that I had only fallen asleep a couple of hours earlier (another story entirely) didn't help matters.
Weirder still, we had a pleasant conversation. But I got off the phone with her after a bit because I could sense that I was feeling old feelings again and I'm not looking forward to being disappointed once again.
Well, that's not entirely true. I think the real thing is that I know that the woman I loved so, is gone; this person looks and sounds like her, but it is not her. And like I said earlier, while I look and sound like me, "it is not I."
And I'm sure it would all end up the same way.
I didn't believe it before when people told me I would learn to love being free but I'm learning. I wish I knew what it was like to be free.
I told Hot Blond Doctor that you can't put the toothpaste back into the tube.
Location: Upstate NY in a bed with flowers printed on the sheets Mood: Determined Music: just leave it all up 2 me, we could have a good time
11:34:47 PM
I'm in yet another non-descript motel. I spend an inordinate amount of time in seedy hotel rooms.
Also, I find that when I travel, I end up eating junk - I had Denny's for lunch and tacos for dinner. I have no idea what comes over me when I travel. When I'm in the City, I eat only healthful foods but man, once I change latitudes, I become Homer Simpson.
My hands are shaking again.
I got some sleep last night but not enough. This cold isn't helping but I think the NyQuil is. Thank goodness for OTC drugs.
I actually had a thought today that it was Parkinson's (especially since it's all over the news these days) but then, that's just me being a hypochondriac. I'm fine when I sleep six or seven hours and a wreck when I sleep less.
I'd better get to sleep.
You know, that Denny must be a fat bastard. 11:59:35 PM
Location: @6:30, showing off the 'hood. Mood: Pensive Music: Demain, le crime en vacances, va se croire tout permis
11:45:41 PM
I gave my ex a ring the other day, which was painful.
Then she picked up - that was excruciating.
But it did make me realize that I'm actually enjoying being single. It's been just under three months now (I've stopped counting so I'm not sure).
At the very least, I wash a lot less clothes and dishes.
Since this is also the first time I'm not sharing a kitchen with someone in over a decade, I forgot the simple pleasure of the whole drinking out of the carton experience in front of the fridge.
I also have something I never had in 11 years of NYC living - closet space.
If only I could find that damn blue sweater I love.
I've got to travel upstate this week (again) but when I come back, I think I'm going to buy the Sunday NY Times, a huge cup of coffee and a chocolate doughnut and then lie down in the middle of the room and make a royal mess.
Location: @8:15 - half breath, sight, pull Mood: Silly Music: the colors mix together to grey and it breaks her heart
10:59:23 PM
Saturday night, I went out to see a band play in Brooklyn, which ended up being hella fun. Of course, I had to up and ruin the night for myself.
Everything was going fine until we hopped a cab back into the City and ended up at a pizza joint downtown. I sitting to the side and when this very attractive blond comes in and sits down next to me. I'm not sure how we started talking but I find out that she's from Florida, works with on a network program and is recently divorced. I somehow got her to also trade driver's licenses with me and I realize that she's six years younger than me. And divorced! Crazy.
We're chatting a bit more and then she tells me that she's going to eat more pizza. I scoff and tell her that women always think they can eat a lot but they never can, to which she tells me, "I can eat you under the table." She goes and gets another slice and it's just then my friends decide to leave. When she gets back, I've got my jacket on. Here's the rest of the conversation:
Her: Oh, you're leaving? Me: Yeah, my friends are going. Her: Do you go everywhere your friends go? Me (wait for it): Well, we're catching a cab uptown so, yes.
*sigh*
I did take down her number and I'm debating if it's worth calling her at this point.
Oh who am I kidding - I'm calling...
11:46:58 PM
20061024 UPDATE - Check that; I've lost her number.
