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LoganLo
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Wednesday, July 02, 2008 |
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Crackers
Location: 21:44 yest, getting whacked w/a stick in the UWS Mood: sad Music: and it breaks my heart, it breaks my heart
Remember that deal that Sheridan wanted to know if I wanted in on? He closed it with RE Mike and it was just reported in the NY Post. I'm super happy for him but...damn, damn, damn, damn, damn.
It's the third deal that Sheridian and I didn't do together. The first, I made bank but he missed; the second we both missed. This one? $15.85 million. Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn.
Hate being this poor. Hate always worrying about scratch. Was about to have a pity party when I read that Ruslana Korshunova jumped outta her Manhattan building in a suicide. Stopped me cold. She was wealthy, beautiful, successful...and 20.
What troubles would be so big at 20 that you'd swan dive off a 9th floor building when, externally, you got it all? I dunno. Hate suicide stories.
Something's always waiting round the corner. True, sometimes it's fail, but sometimes it's win. Regardless, you hope and you hope. Cause, statistically speaking, 10 outta 10 of us are gonna get our tickets punched - so why'd you ever wanna rush the matter? It'll come sooner than you know it.
Admittedly, it's hard to go from caviar and crackers to just crackers. But really, I got no complaints; don't have enough fingers to count all my blessings.
Plus, when a girlie says she wants to spend some time these days, I'm (fairly) confident she does it for the company.
I mean, she's certainly not doing it for the crackers, yeah?
800.SUICIDE / 800.784.2433
Labels: depression, sheridan, troubles
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:: Posted by Me @ 12:51 AM ::  
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Wednesday, March 05, 2008 |
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Grace and Mercy
Location: 22:00 yest, Rego Park Mood: hopeful Music: life goes on Long after the thrill of livin is gone
Him: The fine is $2,000 a day for non-compliance.
Me: (coughing) You either gotta kill me and sell my body parts a nickel a shot, or we've gotta work something out.
Him: (laughing) We don't have a department for that type of collection. (pause) I can give you two more days. Can you be in compliance by then?
Me: (nodding) Hell or high water.
Do y'know the difference between Grace and Mercy? They're two sides of the same coin.
- Grace is when you get the good things you don't deserve.
- Mercy is when you don't get the bad things you do deserve.
Been posting less these days - cause I've never been into ranty posts. I did call my brother about two days ago, though. Guess something in my voice worried him. Or maybe mom told him about my shaking. Dunno.
Today I was running around all morning, having one unpleasant meeting after another, before I finally made it to my office.
And there sat my brother.
He dropped everything and took the 7AM flight outta Florida. I was in the hood, thought I'd see you, he joked. Then he looked down for a moment and asked, You ok?
Outside, my three employees were working, my partner was in her office, and I had clients waiting. I said it before, the words that'll make a grown man cry are, I'm on my way. Just showing up's even better.
But a boss weeping in his office doesn't do anyone any good. So instead, I coughed, cleared my throat, frowned and nodded. He got it.
Later that night he and his friend Kathy had dinner with my folks, laughed, and sang about two American kids growing up in this heartland on the road home.
Today I got mercy from a total stranger and grace from my earliest memory.
Yes, I said honestly, I'm ok, now.
Labels: depression, dialogue, discussion, faith, family
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:: Posted by Me @ 12:07 AM ::  
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Friday, February 29, 2008 |
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One point five
Location: Queens, locked outta my office Mood: irritated at myself Music: The more you ignore me, the closer I get
 Me: Mom, don't cry, my hands always shake.
Her: But they're not supposed to...
Mom's terribly worried about me these days. I tell her not to be and yet - well, mothers are as they are. When she first came here, my mom tied a 1.5 minute egg timer to the phone. Once a month, she would call her mom and they would talk for exactly 1.5 minutes. No matter what, they got off the phone after 1.5 minutes. It's all they could afford. Her mom worried about her too. She was 26? Can you imagine? Here's the thing: unless you know me in RL, you and I most likely wouldn't be anything back in those days. What a world we live in, where communication is a commodity. Text, email, fax, blogs - we can all connect. Veijukka asked who gives me pep talks, I don't really need them. Because I'm so much in my own head all the time. Sometimes, though, I could use a quiet connection. Thanks for listening this week. It's been rough. I'll see if I can't get slapped again by another girl this weekend to keep y'all entertained. Labels: art, depression, dialogue, family
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:: Posted by Me @ 12:25 AM ::  
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Friday, February 08, 2008 |
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Safe
Location: in my apartment, cleaning Mood: cloudy Music: oh, how I need Someone to watch over me
When my four-year relationship finally disintegrated, my sister came to see me. I hadn't slept in days. She brought food and told me to go to bed, then sat quietly in my living room and read. I slept for hours. When I woke up, she was still there.
Over Xmas, I wasn't sleeping causa the work drama. But my brother came to visit. I remember laying down on the floor where he was working and passing out. It was the first poison-free sleep I had in two months.
I suppose you're all sick and tired hearing about Heath Ledger. I liked his films, but that's about it. He mighta been a prince or a scumbag, I dunno.
But I had myself a little freakout when I read about how he died. Cause he's the same type of insomniac as me; his mind was "always racing," he said and "pills failed to work." That's me. Good god, it's wretched misery.
There's this line that goes, Everyone dies alone. But that's just horses___. Most people don't die alone. But what a way to go if you do. Poor bastard.
Sorry, I'm sick and moody. On a happy note, it was Chinese New Year yesterday (xin nian quai le!). I took the day off, saw the family and ate my weight in dumplings.
On an even happier note, it's the weekend.
Labels: depression, heath ledger, insomnia
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:: Posted by Me @ 12:09 AM ::  
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Wednesday, January 30, 2008 |
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Mighty Forces in a Golden Cup
Location: well, my mind's elsewhere Mood: hopeful Music: I thought it out this very day. Noon upon the clock
Christine, danke sehr...
Basil King once said, Be bold - and mighty forces will come to your aid. I think this is true. Your friends, your family, yourself. It all comes together, somehow. Not perfectly, but it does.
It's been 16 months since I became single. Seven months since the car accident. Three months since the theft. And I'm still here.
I drink a little more, I drive a little less and my clothes are exactly the same. But I'm still here.
Labels: depression, hope, video
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:: Posted by Me @ 12:56 AM ::  
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