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LoganLo
On (or close to) Schedule |
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Friday, December 26, 2008 |
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Bonus post
Location: for eight hours on Xmas, my office Mood: stuffed! Music: goodness and light The child
Well, I'm back. For some reason, Blogger just wouldn't let me post for two days. Which, to me was an eternity.
Ate my weight in all sortsa food this holiday season - admittedly, what I do every holiday season. People are always surprised at the sheer volume of food I can pack away - even those that should be used to it by now.
Me: (holding bag of chips) Can I open this? Her: (looking up from computer) There's an open bag in the living room. Me: Ate that one. Her: Oh. Well, there's an open bag on top of the microwave. Me: Are that one too. Her: I just opened that an hour ago! You ate all of it? Me: Yes. Her: Where do you put it all? (shaking head, sighing) Yes. You can open that. Me: Thanks mom! (pause) BTW, we're out of milk now. Her: (grumbling and turning back to computer) ... Happy Xmas, everyone!
YASYCTAI: Do yesterday's again. (10 mins/1 pt)
Labels: christmas 2008, family
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:: Posted by Me @ 12:01 AM ::  
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Wednesday, November 19, 2008 |
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The California Sun
Location: Santa Monica in my head Mood: tired but hopeful Music: something always comes up something always makes her stay
Me and my Mom
Her: You're always seeing someone. Me: No, I mean I'm seeing someone... Her: ( puts down hula hoop) Wait, what does that mean? ( excitedly) Are you getting married soon? Is she nice? Does she want kids? What's her name? Me: (sighs) Clearly, I've just made a grave error in judgment.
Me and my Brother Him: When I left NYC for LA, I had two suitcases and a guitar. Then when I left LA for Miami, had a house fulla crap, a cat, and a wife. Me: And now that you're moving back to LA? Him: Well (thinking) I still have a house fulla crap and the cat (pause) But I've since shed the wife tho... The cool thing about the people that you're close to is the shorthand language you've got.
My brother used to sing in a bar while in med school. One song was about this singer in a bar that loved a waitress named Rachel who wanted to move to LA. The guy didn't know what to say, so he just said, if you find me one, I'd love a picture of the California sun.
For years my bro said he'd move to LA. Always joked that if he ever did, I'd want a postcard from LA. Then one day he just up and left with two suitcases and a guitar. Spur of the moment thing. Poof.
Week or so later, got a postcard with a picture of the California sun and not much else. Didn't need much else. I remember that I sat down on my striped sofa and cleared my throat. Then I cleared a place for it on my fridge.
Somewhere through the years, lost it. Stupid roommates.
S'ok though - lookee what I got today:
YASYCTAI: Send someone a nice picture. If y'got time, send me one too. (1 mins/0.5 pts)
Labels: blue sky, dialogue, family, goodbye, story, traveling
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:: Posted by Me @ 12:03 AM ::  
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Wednesday, October 01, 2008 |
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Hoops
Location: 19:23 yest, Riverside Park doing taiji and not picking up a blonde Mood: grateful Music: on the faces of people going by I see friends
Saw my parents the other day and my mom was still outta sorts. So she picked herself up a hula-hoop. Said that she hadn't used one in like 40 years. But she's proud cause she can do it like 200 times. Gotta say, I was impressed.
As I write this, she's singing What A Wonderful World in the other room. I smile cause she's getting better and shut off the TV to listen.
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Read all the comments from my last post and Sarcasticserum said that I have my own little internet cheering section. That made me laugh.
S'fair trade: I give the you spectacle of my ridiculous life and you sit and read. A comment or two couldn't hurt.
Still, what's more boring than a non-womanizing, womanizer? But, hope you stick around anyway. Cause it's always the supporting cast that really makes the show worth watching living.
Hazel: Good luck, Logan. I'm hoping that whatever you have with Heartgirl is...exactly what you want it to be. (pause) You should put away my toothbrush. You need to make room for hers.
Blue: I wish you were my person...mostly because I want to meet him already. But if you're not my person, maybe you're my people. It's hard finding good people. You can never have enough good people. And it's worth going through all the hoops to find them.
Thanks for reading and being on my side.
YASYCTAI: Speaking of supporting cast, remember my buddy that told me about the tasteful nude photos - well he's a designer by trade, read his design blog at www.rickywong.com. (1 min/0.5 pts)
Labels: dialogue, discussion, family, writing
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:: Posted by Me @ 12:08 AM ::  
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Wednesday, August 13, 2008 |
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Safe
Location: home Mood: indescribable Music: All your grief At last, at last behind you
Dear Grandma;
Went home last night because mom wanted to talk. She told me stories I already know but wanted to hear again, mainly because they're so hard to believe.
Like how your mom sold you for seven dollars when you were three because she had no money. And that when you heard your mom died three years later, you ran away to change her clothes because you didn't want her to be dressed in rags.
I think when I was six, all I wanted in life was more food. I'm 35 now and I still think of food way too much. Well, you remember how fat I was...
Mom cried again when she got to the part where you came back and they beat you. She said you didn't deserve such a hard life. No one does.
But you were tough. Mom's tough like you. She thinks I get my temper from you, which, by the way, I'm working on. I told her it was probably more from my lack of sleep. Speaking of sleep, I thought of a line that goes: We are such stuff As dreams are made on, and our little life Is rounded with a sleep. But I digress...
I do think that I got my eyes from you. Oh, and Aki and I have this weird talent I think we get from you too; mom says that if you ever saw anyone knit something, you could recreate it. well, Aki can play any song he hears on the piano and I can do something similar with a sword - which is admittedly pretty useless but is good cocktail conversation.
Been meaning to say I'm sorry - again. That I broke my promise to you. It keeps me up at night, the regret. It eats me. As does the fact I couldn't go to say goodbye. Yours was the only promise I've broken in years, I think. I had a really good reason - I'll tell you about it some time.
Mom says that your funeral was packed - even your real father's entire family came. Because you loved them even though there was no reason for you to. I meet a lot of wealthy people here in the big city but they're all labels and show. I know it's wrong, but I feel it's somehow cosmic justice that you ended up more successful than all of them.
You know, mom made the right choice coming here, she really did. The best thing about this corner of the world is that no one ever asks what we come from, only where we're going. But I don't forget what I came from. Who I came from. In fact, I don't forget anything.
I guess the main thing is that I wanted you to know that your oldest daughter's safe. You can rest because mom's safe. We're all safe.
Really.
You would have been 87 today. I pray that you get the grace and mercy in the next life that you didn't get in this one. Happy birthday.
L
Labels: family, goodbye, nostalgia, regret
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:: Posted by Me @ 12:01 AM ::  
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Friday, August 08, 2008 |
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The dark clouds are looming
Location: 2:00, tossing and turning in bed Mood: le tired Music: When will I know that I really can't go
Expletive laden but oh so funny - sorry if it screws with your page. Thanks Kate, I needed the laugh.
Met up with old friends at Cafe DeVille the other night.
Him: So I've been asking girls how much it would take for them to pose nude for some tasteful photographs. Seems the going rate's about $25,000. Me: $25,000? I'd drop trou $5,000.
Him: Please - you'd do it for this drink here. Me: (standing up and unbuckling)
Everyone: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Logan!! Bryson and I spoke the other day. Should note that his wife's beautiful and the chief resident of a local hospital.
Him: Whatcha you doing calling my wife!? Me: Crap, you caught us!
Him: ( laughing) How're you? Me: (pause) I've been better.
Him: ( later) You're luckier than most people: You're living the single man's dream. You live in Manhattan. And very few people go through life with even a handful of true friends. You're blessed, brother. I know it. God gave me everything. Just working through some things.
My mom called me. She said that the funeral hall couldn't fit all the people that showed up for the funeral. Turns out that grandma died of an enlarged heart. Find that strangely fitting. Shut the door to my office and quietly broke down.
Saw Heartgirl for dinner in Jersey by the pier cause she's leaving. Was beautiful out but we could see lightning over the city in the distance. Even though she doesn't speak German, I told her, Die dunklen Wolken sind bedrohlich.
I'm le tired...
Labels: dialogue, family, goodbye, grey
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:: Posted by Me @ 8:48 AM ::  
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Sunday, August 03, 2008 |
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Waiting for the Right Scene / Hardest way to Travel
Location: in front of a glass of rum Mood: sigh Music: Got no place to go but there's a girl waiting for me
PCD: (turning to me) That's not true, I haven't kissed anyone else in a long time.
Me: Really? How long?
Her: A whole week. Me: (quizzical look)
Her: ( turning back to TV) When you stop kissing other people so will I. My friend Joanne said once that dating past your 30s is like that board game Scene It. In the first part of the game, if you get something wrong, there's no penalty. In the second part, you're penalized for each wrong answer. She said that dating up to 30 is like the first part and dating past your 30s is like the second part.
Spoke to Heartgirl recently. Like HEI, she's become what I'd consider a close friend. Well, as close a friend as I guy like me has. She thinks I'm going about this wrong, the random dating and whatnot. But I've done the serial monogamy thing for 16 years. It doesn't work for me.
Without a hint of arrogance, I believe that whomever ends up with me is a lucky girlie. Cause I'm whip-smart. Given lead time to prep and the right jeans, I'm easy on the eyes. Have fairly good manners. Can cook.
Most of all, though, I'm loyal. For that girl, I can say, I'm yours. I've gotten it outta my system. 130+ dates later, I'm good to go. I choose you.
And yeah, I'm old, weird, clumsy, nerdy, insominatic - the list goes on. No lie, whenever there's money left over for rum after a mortgage payment, it's like Christmas morning.
But I know what I bring to the table. SX once asked me what entertainment I'd provide and responded, "I am the entertainment."
One should know one's value. Cause if your cup of self worth is only half full, why would anyone else see any more than that, y'know?
In other news, the woman I love the most in the world is on a plane to bury the woman she loves most in the world.
There's no harder way to travel than with a broken heart. It takes 22 hours to get from here to there. That's a long time to spend with your thoughts. If I could take that cross from her, I would.
 Labels: blue sky, dialogue, discussion, family, flying, goodbye, single life, traveling
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:: Posted by Me @ 12:02 AM ::  
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Thursday, July 31, 2008 |
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Useless / Outta time
Location: my office, beat tired Mood: beat tired Music: you wake up in it One fine day
Sorry, those of you that read me know I'm pretty regular about my postings but this week's been...hard. Don't think I had one sober night this week. Heartgirl took me to a fine restaurant, PCD took me out and made me carrot cake, and BEG rang me. They're all such good people. It's funny who contacts you and who doesn't. Slept about four hours a night.
Told you before that A man’s dying is more the survivors’ affair than his own.
I think I'm fairly quick-witted. Rain's faster on the draw but I hold my own. S'what happens when you read as much as a nerd like me. But I dunno what to say to my own mother. Isn't that a kick in the head?
Sucks when you realize a particular talent you have's only good for entertainment purposes.
The irony of this whole thing is that my mom just came back from Taiwan two days before my grandma died. Now she's gotta go back.
Her: I didn't know she was gonna go. ( pause) I woulda stayed if I knew. Me: One of us (kids) should go back with you.
Her: No, it's useless. She's gone. You called her all the time. That meant a lot to her. ( pause) You're a good kid. She doesn't know that I stopped calling her after the theft cause I didn't want her to worry. Stupid. I thought we had time. Goddamit, I thought I had time. No one told me we were outta time.
Gonna add that to my list of ten thousand regrets.
Gonna need more damn paper.
Labels: dialogue, discussion, family, goodbye
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:: Posted by Me @ 2:00 PM ::  
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Tuesday, July 29, 2008 |
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All good things come to an end
Location: my office Mood: heartbroken Music: the sun was wondering if it should stay away for a day til the feeling went away
Him: What's the point of dating her if it's not going anywhere? Me: All relationships end. Some just end sooner than others.
Anthropologist Ernest Becker once said that Everything that man does in his symbolic world is an attempt to deny and overcome his grotesque fate.
All relationships end. And all relationships that matter end in tears. It's just the way it goes. There's nothing you adore now, that you can hold now, that you won't lose at some point down the line. Either because it goes - or you go. It's all ashes and dust and there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it.
And it doesn't matter how you go, yeah? Someone'll wish you didn't.
Writers try and cheat the end we know is coming. It's our sad way of staying longer than we should. Because I've tricked you, you see. I've made you think of me.
My grandmother passed away. I'm heartbroken.
Please don't say, I'm sorry. Tell me something funny or interesting. Cause I gotta go home and dunno what to say to my mom.
I'm a crap writer. I've run outta words.
Labels: church, dialogue, discussion, faith, family, goodbye
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:: Posted by Me @ 10:10 AM ::  
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Monday, July 28, 2008 |
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You are a soul
Location: in front of three computers Mood: worried Music: No need to say goodbye You'll come back
Me: I'm sorry, come again? How old're you?
Her: 18.
Me: (turning to WM) Yeah, I'm leaving.
Spent Friday out with Gio and WM around the UES. Not my scene.
Saturday morning, spoke with Heartgirl; that's a post for some other time. Saturday night, saw PCD. She did NOT heed my advice and was hung over so we spent a very nice quiet night in the UWS.
Not been sleeping lately so I've been reconnecting with my inner geek and rebuilding my media center machine.
For those of you that speak geek, built an Athlon 64 X2 with three hot-swappable SATA drives (500GB, 750GB, 1TB - the OS will be WinXP Pro SP3 on two RAID 1 IDE 85GB drives) an SATA DVD-RW, onboard 7.1 audio and built in DVI AND D-SUB ports. Dual displays running Snapstream BeyondTV and J.River Media Center cloned across a 42" HDTV and a 17" LCD. Housed in an ATX Thermaltake case with a 530W, semi-modular power supply.
HEI has Syd so I'll take some pics when I get her back.
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Just found out that my grandma's in the hospital. Was supposed to see her when that woman stole all my money.
Y'know when someone talks 'bout selling your soul, or whatnot? That irritates me. Cause you're not a body with a soul. You are a soul. You just happen to have a body.
She's no dainty grandma; she's tougher than DeNiro and smokes more than he does. But her body's betraying her and there's nuthin I can do 'bout it. She gave me my eyes.
I wanna hit something. Labels: dialogue, discussion, family, troubles
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:: Posted by Me @ 12:01 AM ::  
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Friday, May 16, 2008 |
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No troubles
Location: in my office, looking at the rain and thinking Mood: grateful Music: I regret every single thing I ever said, I said those things too softly
Met a girlie last week.
Her: I think I have you beat.
Me: I doubt that.
Her: ( deep breath) Well, when I was in high school, my prom date raped me, got me pregnant, and, causa my dad, I got married causa it. Then I had a miscarriage so I was a divorcee before I went to college. He divorced me - can you believe that? Moved here, became a model. Now I throw up at least once a day so I can pay my rent and I hate, hate, hate men of every type. Can you beat that? Me: (shaking head, pause, lean in and give her a kiss on the cheek)
Her: Why did you do that? Me: I dunno...thought you deserved it. (she laughed, then frowned and nodded)
Didn't give her my number or ask for her's, and paid for her drink, which I never do.
There's this comedian that says that children are a man's receipt; children are the canceled check that proves that we were here.
The stuff you hear about happening in China is horrifying, isn't it? 22,000 to 50,000 dead with 169,000 injured. But it's actually even worse than that. With the PRC's One Child Policy, bloodlines and family lose everything. For those that lose their one child and they're too old to have kids again, they've no safety net to take care of them in their old age. Their history ends with them; they've no connection to the future. They've no child to love. Can't imagine how that must feel.
My father once said that he loved us all before we were born. That didn't make sense back then.
I'm getting sued (again). I'm working 12 hour days for negative returns. There's stuff I don't tell you about. But really, I got no problems. I got my life, my family, my rum, and the occasional girlie for company.
It's raining here, but in my head, there're blue skies. Told you before, yeah? God gave me everything.
Hope you have an amazing weekend.
Labels: dialogue, discussion, family, troubles
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:: Posted by Me @ 3:53 PM ::  
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Sunday, May 11, 2008 |
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Mother's Day 2008
Location: 20 mins ago, making a smoothie in my kitchen Mood: anxious Music: I still believe there's something left for you and me
 Another weekend - pretty much like every other. Crashed a few parties, met a few girlies, the usual spring twirl. Spilled a drink on this guy that was too blotto to realize it. Clumsy me.
Told you that I'm terribly clumsy, yeah? Fell down some stairs a few years ago and the left side of my face was crushed in. After some work, the doctors sewed me up. Met up with each of my family individually and they each said, I can't see it. But a second after my mom walked upstairs, she immediately, and wordlessly, burst into tears . The first thing she said was, I'll pay for plastic surgery. I laughed.
Mothers know their kids, I think.
When my drama first came down, she called me to tell me to come home. Told her I was too busy. But she demanded that I come. So I rummaged around for the best smile I could find and wore it home. You look great, my dad said.
But my mom took one look at me and burst into tears. Like I said, mothers know their kids.
She told me I could always move back home and that made me laugh. Great, I said, I'll be a 35 year old man living with his parents. (on the positive side, that'd certainly solve my dating dilemmas right quick).
I'd cook, she said.
That made me laugh even more. So I gave her a kiss and told her that if it came down to it, I'd do that. That seemed to make her happy. She says that she knows I'll be fine. Mothers know their kids so I hope she's right.
Did I ever tell you my mom's a writer? She gets published a lot more than me. It's from her side of the family; my grandfather's a writer too. All this comes from her.
Off to see her now.
Labels: clumsy, family, story
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:: Posted by Me @ 1:02 PM ::  
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Wednesday, March 05, 2008 |
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Grace and Mercy
Location: 22:00 yest, Rego Park Mood: hopeful Music: life goes on Long after the thrill of livin is gone
Him: The fine is $2,000 a day for non-compliance.
Me: (coughing) You either gotta kill me and sell my body parts a nickel a shot, or we've gotta work something out.
Him: (laughing) We don't have a department for that type of collection. (pause) I can give you two more days. Can you be in compliance by then?
Me: (nodding) Hell or high water.
Do y'know the difference between Grace and Mercy? They're two sides of the same coin.
- Grace is when you get the good things you don't deserve.
- Mercy is when you don't get the bad things you do deserve.
Been posting less these days - cause I've never been into ranty posts. I did call my brother about two days ago, though. Guess something in my voice worried him. Or maybe mom told him about my shaking. Dunno.
Today I was running around all morning, having one unpleasant meeting after another, before I finally made it to my office.
And there sat my brother.
He dropped everything and took the 7AM flight outta Florida. I was in the hood, thought I'd see you, he joked. Then he looked down for a moment and asked, You ok?
Outside, my three employees were working, my partner was in her office, and I had clients waiting. I said it before, the words that'll make a grown man cry are, I'm on my way. Just showing up's even better.
But a boss weeping in his office doesn't do anyone any good. So instead, I coughed, cleared my throat, frowned and nodded. He got it.
Later that night he and his friend Kathy had dinner with my folks, laughed, and sang about two American kids growing up in this heartland on the road home.
Today I got mercy from a total stranger and grace from my earliest memory.
Yes, I said honestly, I'm ok, now.
Labels: depression, dialogue, discussion, faith, family
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:: Posted by Me @ 12:07 AM ::  
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Friday, February 29, 2008 |
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One point five
Location: Queens, locked outta my office Mood: irritated at myself Music: The more you ignore me, the closer I get
 Me: Mom, don't cry, my hands always shake.
Her: But they're not supposed to...
Mom's terribly worried about me these days. I tell her not to be and yet - well, mothers are as they are. When she first came here, my mom tied a 1.5 minute egg timer to the phone. Once a month, she would call her mom and they would talk for exactly 1.5 minutes. No matter what, they got off the phone after 1.5 minutes. It's all they could afford. Her mom worried about her too. She was 26? Can you imagine? Here's the thing: unless you know me in RL, you and I most likely wouldn't be anything back in those days. What a world we live in, where communication is a commodity. Text, email, fax, blogs - we can all connect. Veijukka asked who gives me pep talks, I don't really need them. Because I'm so much in my own head all the time. Sometimes, though, I could use a quiet connection. Thanks for listening this week. It's been rough. I'll see if I can't get slapped again by another girl this weekend to keep y'all entertained. Labels: art, depression, dialogue, family
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:: Posted by Me @ 12:25 AM ::  
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Friday, December 28, 2007 |
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Scurry
Location: in front of the tube, with a Coors Light Mood: better Music: Hielten sich fuer schlaue Leute
Hey, for everyone that volunteered for my project, apologies I've been out of touch. Things are nuts. I'll follow up soon, gimme a bit.
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Up and out at 7AM. Worry, worry, super scurry. Finally stopped at 9PM. Hate, hate, hate. Tired. Too tired to go home so I went to see the rents. Ate lunch at 9:30PM.
Was beat but my dad said, Let's watch a little more of The War. So tired but I said, OK. It's not like I sleep.
In the middle of part three, where the Marines were at Tarawa, he asked me to pause it. He said, "Y'know why I came here? To America? Because if I was born just 10 years earlier, I would have had to kill Americans. I would've had to hurt this country I love so much. But I was lucky. I just missed all that. I wanted to go to America. I said I would be brave because I was lucky."
I don't know why but that made total sense to me. It made my day slightly less craptastic.
Midnight. Guess it's time for dinner.
Labels: family, story, troubles
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Permanent Link :: Posted by Me @ 12:08 AM ::  
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